


You Wouldn't Kid About It

by Thalia Z (JesBelle)



Series: The Collected Works of Thalia Z. [2]
Category: Galaxy Quest (TV)
Genre: Alien Culture, Diplomacy, Gen, Kids, general silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-04 02:23:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17889704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JesBelle/pseuds/Thalia%20Z
Summary: The planet Juven is run entirely by children.  When the Alliance needs to negotiate a treaty with them, they send their youngest officer to do the job.  Too bad his pet fuzzoid is better at diplomacy than Lt. Laredo.





	You Wouldn't Kid About It

**Author's Note:**

> I was tasked with writing a kids' story. What I know about kids could fit in a thimble, but every kid I've shown this to has very politely said, "It's cool, I guess."

This mission was the scariest thing that Lt. Laredo had ever done. And he’d done some pretty scary things since he’d joined the crew of the _Protector_.

He’d piloted the ship through the aurora of a star in the Abraxas Quadrant.

He’d made an emergency landing on Stasis after piloting the _Protector_ though a meteor shower in the Ugonian Asteroid Belt.

He’d even flown the ship during the the terrifying battle with the Kronthaxxian Asteroid Squid.

He was the best and youngest pilot in the NSEA, but negotiating a treaty with the Juven government scared the pants off Laredo. He really sucked at this kind of thing.

One time, he’d shaken the hand of the ambassador from KQU-flux and it turned out that the KQU-fluxians are offended by handshakes. Very, very offended. The ambassador had wanted Laredo to fight the ambassador’s champion to the death for offending him so much. Then the ambassador said that Tawny Madison would be his champion. Dr. Lazarus had to do a lot of talking to calm the ambassador down.

Dr. Lazarus had to do a lot of talking to Princess T’Prang of the moon-planet Hephaestus, as well. She hadn’t liked it when Laredo said that she was all right for a girl.

Laredo was sure that he was going to mess this up too.

“I’m going to mess this up too,” he said to Dr. Lazarus as they boarded the surface pod that would take them to Juven.

“Nonsense, Lieutenant,” said Dr. Lazarus. “You’ll do fine. I’ll be with you for the entire negotiation.”

That did make him feel a little better. But only a little. Laredo wished that Cmdr. Taggart were coming along on this mission. Dr. Lazarus may have been the smartest person on the _Protector_ , but Cmdr. Taggart was the bravest.

All that Laredo was best at was piloting the ship and making important aliens angry.

Laredo took a deep breath and powered up the surface pod.

It didn’t matter that Dr. Lazarus was smarter or that Cmdr. Taggart was braver.

The thing was — the entire planet of Juven was run by kids.

Dr. Lazarus had told them all about it during the briefing this morning. About 100 years ago, there was an uprising. The children of Juven decided they were tired of their parents sending them to school for longer and longer hours. They were upset that their parents were polluting the planet. They were upset that their parents kept starting wars with each other.

So one day, instead of going to school, they all marched to the capitols of the various countries on Juven… and took them over.

The grown-ups thought they were being silly, so they said, “Fine. You think you can run everything? Let’s see you do it, smartypantses.”

And the kids did just that. They abolished all the countries and started a global government. They made it so that only kids under 16 could be citizens. They told all the companies that they couldn’t pollute anymore and the companies had to stop polluting because they couldn’t just move to another country that would let them pollute because there weren’t any other countries anymore. They made the school day three hours long, and you only had to go for three years — then you could decide if you wanted to do some more school when you retired from being a citizen — in case you wanted to spend the rest of your life being a doctor or a physicist or something. And of course, with no countries, there were no wars either.

The grown-ups decided that they were all better off this way. Everything was clean and peaceful, and the grown-ups didn’t have to yell at kids to go to school all the time. So 100 years later, the kids were still in charge.

And they didn’t negotiate with adults, so if the NSEA wanted a treaty that allowed their vessels to travel safely through Juven space, they were going to have to send a kid there to get it.

Laredo just wished that he wasn’t the only kid available.

There was no time left for wishing now, though. They had just landed at the Juven spaceport.

Laredo powered down the surface pod and looked at Dr. Lazarus.

Lazarus didn’t usually do friendly smiles, but he gave a little one to Laredo anyway. “Remember, Lieutenant,” said the doctor, “I am your ‘sitter.’ You can’t ask me for advice in front of the others. If you need something, you will have to request a recess and speak to me then.”

“Okay,” said Laredo. “Got it.”

“We don’t need anything complicated from them, just the right to fly through their space without being confronted by one of their fighters.”

“Right,” said Laredo. He opened the surface pod door.

The sun outside was very bright as it bounced off the white buildings of the spaceport. A small group of people were coming toward the surface pod — two grown-ups and three kids.

The kid in front appeared to be about Laredo’s age. She had long, straight, blue hair and her skin was a lighter shade of blue. Other than that, she looked very much like a human. She held out her hand.

Laredo swallowed and shook it. Thankfully, that seemed to be the right thing to do.

“I’m Mikara Tengu,” she said, “President Supreme of Juven Prime and Governor of the Nine Colonies.”

That sounded important. Laredo wondered what the Nine Colonies were.

“I’m Lt. Laredo, pilot of the NSEA _Protector_ and representative of the Alliance of Planets. It’s… uhm… nice to meet you.”

She grinned and introduced him to the others.

“This is Gen. Caro Wendolo, leader of the Juven Armada; and Sen. Fayna Sirks of Vordoro Province.”

Laredo shook their hands.

Pres. Tengu pointed her thumb at the grown-ups standing behind her. “This is my mom, and that’s Caro’s mom.”

Laredo nodded toward Dr. Lazarus. “This is uhm… my sitter.”

Gen. Wendolo waved at Dr. Lazarus. “Hi, Laredo’s sitter. What species are you?”

“I am Mak’Tar, General.”

“Cool,” said Gen. Wendolo. “I’ve never seen a Mak’Tar.”

“Well, now you have,” said Sen. Sirks, elbowing the general in his ribs. “Quit staring. It’s rude!”

“Why are you even here, Fayna?” asked Gen. Wendolo.

Sen. Sirks shrugged. “I was bored.”

“Yeah,” said Gen. Wendolo, “and you wanted to see a Mak’Tar too.”

“Alright, you guys,” said Pres. Tengu. “Chill out a little.” She turned to Dr. Lazarus. “Sorry about that, Laredo’s sitter.”

“It’s quite alright, Madam President,” said Dr. Lazarus. “I am accustomed to the attention. Most people have never met a Mak’Tar.”

“No, I bet not,” said Pres. Tengu. “Do you have any kids?”

Laredo fidgeted a bit. He knew that babies were a sensitive subject for the doctor, but Lazarus seemed unfazed.

“Not at present,” said Dr. Lazarus.

“Oh,” said Pres. Tengu. “Too bad.” She turned and started walking away from the surface pod. “Come on! There’s snacks back at the palace.”

There was a ground car waiting a few meters away. It was huge — plenty of room for everyone. Another grown-up was behind the wheel. He wore a uniform.

“This is Qelo. He’s the driver,” said Pres. Tengu.

“I didn’t know that grown-ups had jobs here,” said Laredo.

“Oh! Yeah they do. Everyone needs to do something useful. That’s one of the Basic Needs. They don’t teach that in your schools?” asked Pres. Tengu.

“N-no,” said Laredo.

The Juvens looked shocked.

“If I may interrupt, Madam,” said Dr. Lazarus.

“Go ahead,” said Pres. Tengu.

“It is taught among Humans and Mak’Tar — but it is part of the curriculum of higher education.”

Pres. Tengu said, “They should teach it earlier.” She pressed her lips together and looked very disapproving.

“Now that I consider it, I believe you are correct,” said Dr. Lazarus.

“Of course I am,” she replied, rolling her eyes.

“Oh don’t get all prissy about it,” said Gen. Wendolo. “Aliens are different. The Alliance of Planets are good guys. Who cares when they teach the Basic Needs?”

Pres. Tengu just sulked for another moment or two, then said, “Anyway, grown-ups have lots of jobs. They’re just not allowed to be in the government. My mom’s a biologist.”

Pres. Tengu’s mom smiled.

Laredo smiled. “Hey! So’s Dr… I mean… my sitter.”

“Cool,” said Sen. Sirks.

When they got to the palace, Dr. Lazarus was sent away with the other grown-ups, and Laredo followed the other kids to a big meeting room. There was a large conference table in the middle of the room, but Laredo noticed that it was shorter than normal and the chairs were smaller too. Sen. Sirks went over to a sideboard where a couple of pitchers sat next to some glasses.

“The others will be here soon,” she said. “Would you like some juice?”

“Yeah, thanks,” said Laredo. “Juice sounds great.” He was really thirsty, now that he thought about it.

“What kind?” asked Sen. Sirks.

“Red?” he said.

She nodded and poured something red into a glass.

Laredo had been to hundreds of planets. They all had some kind of red juice, and they all tasted the same. Red was a safe, solid choice when it came to juice. Orange was always either completely vile or incredibly delicious. Pink was never sweet enough.

A bunch of other kids began coming into the the room and finding their seats. Pres. Tengu introduced them, but Laredo was sure he’d never get all of the names right. Some were military personnel. Some were elected officials. Some were Pres. Tengu’s advisors.

Once they had all gotten some juice, Pres. Tengu stood up. “Okay, guys. Quiet down.” She gestured toward Laredo. “This is Lt. Laredo of the NSEA _Protector_. He’s here with a message from the Alliance of Planets. Lieutenant?”

Laredo stood up and started to wipe his hands down his thighs before thinking better of it. “Basically, we want to be able to fly our ships through your space. We almost lost a research vessel with 120 people aboard last week because they decided to avoid your fighters and go around it. They’d been attacked by Mank’Nar warriors and they were badly damaged, but they were afraid that if they had a run-in with your fighters, they’d be destroyed. They barely made it to our nearest station before their beryllium sphere began to break down.”

“We wouldn’t fire on a vessel that wasn’t trying something,” said one of the senators. “Why would the commander think that?”

“Weeellll,” said Gen. Wendolo, “sometimes the younger ones can be a little trigger-happy. They want to shoot things. That’s why they joined the service. Lots of them are barely older than babies.”

Babies on Juven were anyone younger than five.

“That’s the other thing,” said Laredo. “When we hear them on our communicators, and realize how young they are — lots of our commanders don’t want to have a fire-fight with a little kid, you know?”

“Afraid they’ll lose?” asked a captain. He looked about six.

“They want to protect kids,” said Laredo. “They don’t put kids in danger like that.”

“You’re a kid, and they let you fly one of their biggest ships,” said Pres. Tengu. “Aren’t you in danger?”

“Well, yeah —”

“So they’re okay with it,” said the young captain. “They just don’t want to lose.”

“The Alliance and the NSEA are peaceful,” said Laredo. “We don’t want to fight anyone. We only fight when we have to. That’s why we’ve been going around the borders of your space, but it takes our ships way out of their way, and last week people almost died because of it.”

“What does the Statecraft panel think, Kana?” asked Pres. Tengu.

An older girl, obviously a teen-ager spoke, “They say, allow it but charge a fee.”

“They would say that,” said Sen. Sirks, rolling her eyes.

“They’ve got a point,” said Kana. “If damaged ships show up here needing repairs, that could put a strain on our resources. The fee would supposedly be just enough to cover that sort of thing.”

“Supposedly,” said another senator farther down the table.

“How about, they have to pay for any repairs as they need them?” asked Pres. Tengu. “And the treaty is open to renegotiation if they pull that sort of business too often.”

“That sounds good,” said Sen. Sirks. “I propose we vote.”

“I second,” said the other senator.

The votes were overwhelmingly for. It made Laredo happy that the Juvens were so open to helping the NSEA, but this changed the proposed treaty and he thought he should run it by Dr. Lazarus first.

“I… um. I should think over the proposed changes first,” said Laredo. “Can we have a recess?”

“Great idea!” said Pres. Tengu. “Recess, everyone!”

In hindsight, that may not have been the best choice of words, thought Laredo, as he and Sen. Sirks took a turn spinning Pres. Tengu, Gen. Wendolo, and the young captain on the merry-go-round.

Still, it felt good to run and play. Laredo realized it had been a very long time since he’d had the chance.

After the merry-go-round, they joined a sort of perpetual game of tag that anyone on the playground was allowed to join. Laredo was “it” twice owing to the fact that his legs were shorter than the average Juven’s.

Finally, he bowed out and flopped down, hot and sweaty under a fuschia tree. Advisor Kana was sitting there, watching the others play.

“Not into tag?” he asked.

“Not so much,” she said, grinning. “I used to be a master at it, though. I’m retired now, so I wouldn’t be allowed, even if I wanted to.”

“What are you doing here, if you’re retired?” he asked.

“I’m the liaison to the Adult Advisory Panel on Statecraft.” she said.

“Okay, what’s that?” he asked.

“Kids don’t have time to become experts on stuff like science or medicine or business, so there are panels made up of adult experts. They used to consult with the President and the Senate directly, but they were pressuring the kids too much, so now they all have liaisons — teenagers like me who are retired but still younger than twenty.”

“Why do the grown-ups let the kids run the planet?”

“Grown-ups think differently from kids. Their way of thinking is great for things that take a lot of time to learn, but kids are better at government. We don’t get tempted by money as much, for one thing. Kids have really long lives ahead of them, so they tend to take better care of the planet. And the biggest thing is that kids still believe passionately in being fair. They don’t make a bunch of complicated laws to make things look fair, but which unfair people know how to get around. Everybody has just been happier since the kids took over.”

Laredo nodded. It made perfect sense when she put it that way.

“Have you made your decision?” asked Kana.

“I was supposed to check with Dr. Lazarus,” Laredo confessed, “but I think he’ll be cool with it. It’s fair, and he believes in fairness, even if he is a grown-up.”

“And if you’re wrong, at least they won’t make you do another diplomatic mission, right?”

“Right,” said Laredo, grinning.

  


When they were docked once again in the pod bay of the _Protector_ , Dr. Lazarus stopped Laredo before he could open the hatch of the surface pod.

“First of all, Lieutenant,” he said, “you did excellent work today. I am impressed with the grace you’ve shown in what I know to be a stressful situation for you.”

Laredo looked at his boots, a little embarrassed at what was pretty high praise coming from Lazarus.

“And second of all, you have what can only be described as a juice mustache.”

  


**Author's Note:**

>  _The Collected Works of Thalia Z._ is a collection of short stories written by my original character, Mary Sue Forrester. The notes at the beginning of these stories are also written by her. -- Jes


End file.
